hi.
feeling sort of sad.
just saw things that i shouldnt have seen.
sigh.

was talking to wan ting and jialing about the problem yesterday.
about how i feel so useless and pathetic and 'no backbone.
cos no matter how badly you treat me,
i still care very very much for you.

i know that i shoudnt care about you,
because you dont even care.
but yet i wont feel good not caring for you,
because i still consider you as my cf.

you have many people who care for you,
and i know you dont care whether i care for you.
cos the fact remains that you dislike me.
and it's saddening.
i got over the fact that your cf now is her,
yeah it makes me sad,
but it doesnt make me pissed or angry anymore.
maybe its just because i got used to it.
the sight of the two of you together,
it irks me,
but it doesnt have such a big impact on me anymore.
cos i just brush it off, and think,
there they are again.

sigh.
i cant help but think about the what ifs.
what if you never got to know her?
what if we are still cfs this year?
what if you never disliked me?

i think its a great pity that i lost my cf.
i spent the whole of the last quarter of the year last year thinking about how great it would be to have the three of you in vj. how we can always go out after school and have fun and everything. and it's really sad that the opposite is coming true, that our friendship is falling apart. and for your case, our friendship has already fallen apart.

what if we're still cfs this year?
we would be the ones going home together. and we would be going out after school to mug and have lunch, etc etc. like how it was like last year.
we were all in diff schools last year, but yet we still took time to come out and meet up.
but yet, this year, al though we're all in the same school, we dont go out together anymore. maybe the three of you still do, but not with me. perhaps i drifted apart. sigh.

never in the whole of last year would i have envisioned this thing happening.
perhaps i caused this?
my mannerisms, and my character.
basically the way i am.
sigh.
i just dont learn from my mistakes dont i?

i know i shouldnt be feeling sad.
and i know i shouldnt care about this matter anymore,
because its not supposed to be affecting me anymore.
but i am sad.
who would be happy about losing their close friend?
one that was almost a best friend.
one that i shared all my secrets with.

these few days,
i wanted to tell you everything that was happening to me.
like about my incentive for classtime,
about lesson time and everything.
but then,
i know i cannot,
because you wouldnt even have the heart to listen to me.

i remember this theory that i was told from last time.
it was that friends get very close to each other,
but after some time, one party or both parties will start disliking each other,
because they will know each other so well that they find out each other's flaws.
however, if they manage to get past this stage,
they will become the best of friends.

i forgot all about this theory,
until i suddenly remembered it.
and i realise,
perhaps there's still hope for our friendship.
perhaps it's not all over yet.
perhaps you'll start to like me again.
and then we'll be cfs again,
and probably we'll be even closer than before.

i know that youre probably thinking,
what a joke.

and i know its stupid to even hope for that to happen.
because only 1% of me believes that this will happen.
the other 99% believes that our friendship is over.
and i kinda hate myself for remembering that theory,
for harboring that thread of hope.
and yet i feel remotely happy when i think of that bit of hope i have about our friendship.
that our friendship may actually be able to survive.

i know im being stupid.
and i really should extinguish that flicker of hope before i hurt myself again.
but i cant bring myself to.

i meant it when i said that i can live without you.
i mean, i wont die.
but im not happy either.
and even if im happy without you,
it doenst mean that i dont care.

because i still do care.
very very much indeed.

im sorry for such an emo post.
its not that i wasnt happy today.
i was,
its just that im feeling sad about my problem now.

**

on a happy note,
i really love playing angel and mortal.
i love my choir angel (:
its super fun talking to him!
he makes my day man,
cos i feel happy whenever i see a letter from him.
(:

and of course
the sight of lee lee makes me happy.
(x