i never knew how terrible it was to suddenly lose your loved ones .

a line the struck me hard in the movie, Confessions of Pain.

i lost what i shouldnt have lost.
what exactly did you lose anyway?
is that really the case?

perhaps its something that should have been lost since long ago.
just that we had forced it to stay ours.

i thought i could do it.
but i realised that i couldnt.
it hurt too much.

i spend every single moment thinking of what i had lost,
and if i had made the right decision to do that.

it hurts so so so much.
but when i remember how much more you had hurt me,
i start to think that maybe i had made the right decision.
but still, it hurts that things had to come to this.

the next few days will be a test of my determination.
ytd was terrible for me. the acting, the laughing, the faking that everything was fine.
in a sense i feel a sort of release from this situation.
but it hurts that i had to lose such an important thing to me just to solve this problem.

i dont see anything wrong about disliking people.
afterall, we had never been good friends.
but so many people lash out at me,
and say that its wrong.
so i do what's right.
right for everybody,
but not for me.

i need the support and reassurance that i made the right choice.
for i am starting to doubt my decision.
my resolve might crumble any moment,
but i dont want to return to the life i used to live.
and that was to guess, and worry, and to feel neglected.
perhaps youre right. you dont deserve my concern.

but still,
i miss our friendship.
):

heartache.
that's all i can say.

im losing you, all of you.

and im told that my job is to not control it,
to let you all go.
it's something i have to learn to do.
and it's hard.
the pain it's causing me, it's unbearable.

im trying to do what's right.
'you feel right because you did something right,
you dont do something right just because you feel right.'

it's hurts so much.
that aching pain in your heart.
but i shall learn to control what i do.
'dont let your feelings control your actions.'

i wonder,
when i wasnt around,
did you all even wish that i was around?

there are so many questions that i wanna ask,
but somehow, i feel that isnt right for me to ask you anymore,
for you are no longer my close friend.
you're someone else's close friend now.
you talked through the night with her.
im not jealous, ive gone past that stage already.
its just that when i heard that that had happened,
i suddenly felt so distant from you.
like you were no longer my close friend.
i guess i was wrong to even treat you as my best friend.
whatever it is, perhaps its time for all of us to move on.

and you, i heard you singing that song with her.
guess its the same thing for you.

why has things come to this stage?

another clique is forming.
a clique that i detest.
but will have to accept no matter what.
because it is my job to compromise and let them make their own friends.
to not control them.
to just let go.

there are so many spiteful things that i can say.
and yet, i realise,
what for? why make yourself and the people around you miserable?
just contain the misery to yourself.
and then look for the shell station to pump it all out.
thanks shell station.

the picture is still there. as my phone's mini wallpaper and as my msn display picture.
i wonder what happened to us. are we drifting apart?
or is it the introduction of new people?

it pains me to see us in this state.
and i hate it that i cant control my feelings.
i hate it that i always throw tantrums.
i dont want to. why havent i changed?
guess its not as easy as i thought it was.

**

xmas. it's something that never mattered to me.
but this year, it did. (:

recieved lotsa cards from people. yes, and some esp heartwarming messages from my close friends (:
xmas is a period of caring and sharing, yes and some people really touched my heart :D

carolling brought us all closer together in some way or another. and brought some of us apart. but still its an experience that i would never forget.

yes and the grand reunion was WOAH. as i was standing there with all the seniors and fellow choir mates. i really felt very warm and fuzzy inside. and i was really glad to be part of this big victoria family. and that sense of pride i felt when i was singing with everyone, its indescribable. the sound we produced, its like so heavenly and awe-inspiring. yes. its at times like these when i realise that i do love vj choir. (:

yes and i got to talk to a few year twos today. mainly weijie, jonathan gan and jeremy yeo. guess they're like the few year twos im relatively close to. got to hug them today yay! :D haha take care you guys and dont ever forget me alright! (:

**

RAH. i hate it when im made to be a big baddie or something.
argh.
shoo.

**

interesting new phrase:
im your shell station; refill your happiness.

thank you shell station :D

have you ever felt like all the people that were important to you were slowly slipping away?
and that to their eyes you are just being unreasonable?

have you ever wondered how things could hurt so much that it scares you?
and how the people who hurt you so much could go on laughing?

have you ever felt heartache?

**

my comp's still screwed. writing in wordpad now. let's see if internet explorer will be nice to me. if you can see this in my blog, it means internet explorer was nice. lol.

today was a relatively fun day.

sops sounded better today, for some weird reason. we were more blended. yes and i was more on form, not as sucky as ytd. but i feel my voice going =/ probably because of the clam chowder?
yes the first session at ritz was quite soft. the sound was alright, but we were just plain soft. yeah the second session was much better. we sounded much louder and much more energetic :D yeah. except for the screwed up we wish you, i basically enjoyed myself during the second session. yes and a lot of seniors came back today. which was cool. it's been some time since ive seen such a big choir. not that we were very big, but it's just that its much bigger than the usual number. so during the third session, we were all blasting. about 1/4 into the third session, it started raining, and it was really ironic cos when the session started, i was thinking that we were lucky that it wasnt raining-.- yeah so we were moved into this small shelter. and so we werent as impressive. which was quite a sad thing cos we were really quite loud. ): i was hoping we would get more tips. lol. but whatever it is, it was fun :D

yes and i had fun talking to some of the seniors. its great to see some of my crapping partners again (: yes and i talked to some year3s, like just a bit of crap talk. was feeling quite happy about it cos hey its not everyday you see year3s. im such a friendly junior :D

yay just recieved two christmas cards. from shiyun and from yuting. a big thank you! :D

anyway, i wanna say thank you to the people who care. at least you all bother to ask about me.

and there is one person whom i can say is my best friend now, thanks for always tolerating me. i shall try to change. you mean a lot to me and yeah sorry for always giving you shit. youre a nice person and a nice friend. thank you. you know who you are.

i hope this post gets onto my blog =/

[edit] it did (:

was thinking about quite a few things.

i realised that i go about my day-to-day affairs with a heavy heart.
was talking to jialing a few days back and i commented to her that i feel sad most of the time. in fact, i've kinda forgotten how it feels like to be happy and to have a satisfying day. uh.

and i realised that im not close to many people. im a very biased person, and when i like a person more than another, i start to spend more time with that particular person. and it's bad for my social circle. i feel like ive drifted away from many people. and sometimes i wonder, who are the people who will continue to be my friends still adulthood? how many of these people whom i hang out with everday will i still keep in touch with after they leave? was thinking about the 2b friends. i remember we set a date to meet up when we are 30 years old. how many of us will turn up on that day? i bet no one would. and that's a sad feeling.

went for dhschoir chalet two days ago. i felt so lost. hung out mostly with jerrold, huping, and rayrin, mostly the vj clan. yeah and juntao came along with us too. i was really sad that i hardly talked to the sistas. what happened to our friendship? or maybe it's just me who was drifting away. also, i looked at the people in the chalet and i felt so lost, i didnt know what to say to them. and yet i reme

was thinking about quite a few things.

i realised that i go about my day-to-day affairs with a heavy heart.
was talking to jialing a few days back and i commented to her that i feel sad most of the time. in fact, i've kinda forgotten how it feels like to be happy and to have a satisfying day. uh.

and i realised that im not close to many people. im a very biased person, and when i like a person more than another, i start to spend more time with that particular person. and it's bad for my social circle. i feel like ive drifted away from many people. and sometimes i wonder, who are the people who will continue to be my friends still adulthood? how many of these people whom i hang out with everday will i still keep in touch with after they leave? was thinking about the 2b friends. i remember we set a date to meet up when we are 30 years old. how many of us will turn up on that day? i bet no one would. and that's a sad feeling.

went for dhschoir chalet two days ago. i felt so lost. hung out mostly with jerrold, huping, and rayrin, mostly the vj clan. yeah and juntao came along with us too. i was really sad that i hardly talked to the sistas. what happened to our friendship? or maybe it's just me who was drifting away. also, i looked at the people in the chalet and i felt so lost, i didnt know what to say to them. and yet i reme

i dont like to feel sad.
and unhappy.
but sometimes you just realise you dont really mean much to anyone.

although you've always known that all along, but sometimes you just try not to believe it.
and when you are forced to accept it, it really feels very bad. sigh.

i know i shouldnt be feeling sad, but i cant help it.

sigh.

life is boring.


it's sad to feel unloved and uncared for.

hello people.

my computer is so screwed. it's even dismantled -.- and no one in my family bothers to fix it lol. so dont blame me for not updating my blog :D

hmm. the musical was great. :D fantastic wheehee.

malacca was great too. it was fun for me and i learnt a lot of things, be it for singing or for friendships and such.

im so gonna miss this batch of choir people. i really love them, and it wasnt easy for us to get to know each other this well and for us to get this comfortable with each other. i'm really gonna miss you guy next year when yall leave. please please go to pattaya alright :D

anyway, the choir clique's expanding :D the year zeros are joining us now. and some more people are starting to join us, like fran and heli :D the malacca trip really bonded us together (:

anyway, my homework's rather screwed, taking my time to read all the books. ah they're quite boring, but i'll pull through.

more choir pracs to look forward to (: yay. and i feel im really improving significantly. a great big thanks to the many people who have been encouraging me and teaching me :D

friendships are delicate things, and it takes a lot of time and effort to maintain it. but it really feels great when you reap what you sow :D and something someone told me makes sense, you must feel like you've got to know a person better after a fight, if not it defeats that purpose. im glad that im nearly always able to patch up with my friends after a big fight, and it makes us become better friends. thank goodness for that :D

i miss my class, esp movie marathons! :D meet up soon alright (:

anyway, i think im really gonna see the choir everyday for the rest of this holiday. lol. (:

at danny's house now btw, which explains why i can use the computer. wahahaha.

i shall disappear for another long period of time. ciao :D