wish you'd been

careful with my heart

**

i cant believe.

that im the only one in my class who's online now.

i thought i studied quite a bit today.

seems like its not enough,

cos everyone else is studying.

X.X

althea's sick!

poor her.

throat infection and high fever.

somemore exams coming le, she doesnt get to study!

she really very poor thing.

and im scared i'll fall sick too.

die.

shall drink a lot more water now.

GET WELL SOON ALTHEA.

yeah. been mugging lots too.

ss is killing me.

i really hate ss.

when i touch ss i completely switch off.

zzz.

and i dont like physics too.

felt rather lethargic today.

dunno why.

shall sleep earlier today.

im scared of exams.

vip exams suck even more.

sigh.

why is vip so difficult?

lol ok it stretches us and let's us grow.

but still.

sigh.

tmr i shall mug harder.

yeah.

my singing kinda sucks now.

not that it was good last time.

but im more airy now.

):

it just makes me more depressed.

sigh.

i still cant wait for choir.

all the same.

and i cant wait for the dec activities.

yeah.

we're going to althea's hse.

to watch disney princess movies!

whee.

super cool.

relive our childhood.

(:

i cant wait for exams to be over.

11 days to play time!

ohho,

i still love jonathan.

(:

**

maybe im starting

to get used to life without you.

forget what we're told,
before we get too old.

**

i still love jonathan.
haha.
(:

mm, been mugging the whole day.
since like 10am
have just been taking small breaks in between.
like for breakfast,
and lunch and etc.
now taking a one hour break.
back to mugging later.

so,
i covered,
digestion
kinematics
mass weight density
statics
redox reactions
and memorised the soluble insoluble salts thingy.

im quite proud of myself. (:
shall attempt to finish up ss till strand 3.(and more if time permits)
and then i shall finish reading the argumentative essay thingy.
and then i shall do some maths practice questions.
and possibly finish up the bio paper.

lalala.
today made me feel better about the exams.
cos i feel optimistic about completing what i need to study.

im rather worried for monday.
what with all the essays.
sigh.
i dont like essays.
give me science structured questions anytime.
mm.
monday is LA paper 1 and 2.
zzz. essay writing, and comprehension(plus summary and aq) =/
and there's chinese paper 1.
shi yong wen and zuo wen.
DIE.

among all the exam days,
this is the exam day that i am most worried about.
nevermind,
its the first one to be over too.
thank goodness.

oh im worried about ss too.
sigh.
i hate ss.
esp vip ss.
its all meaningless stupid stuff.
bleah.
give me science anytime.

LOL.
im so gonna be a science student.
who likes arts anyway.
arts enslaves,
science liberates.
whee.

i wanna do well for bio.
hope all those explanatory skills and application skills i picked up from ms low works.
i hope i dont screw up.
seriously.
im pinning all my hopes on bio.
and maybe chem.
my physics.
bleah. just hope i dont screw up too.

vip is good.
lol.
i realised that it is.
it prepares you for everything.
and although it is stressful,
it really helps us to grow and mature a lot.
afterall, the adult world is all about stress
and submitting good quality work
and meeting deadlines.

i really wanna do well next year.
i will study hard.
and manage my time properly.
no more last minute cramming.
i wanna get 6points for my ip2 year end exam.
woots.
jiayou may! (:

i cant wait for exams to be over.
den i can playplayplay.
and i miss the triplets!
miss going out with them.
too bad they'll be preparing for their o levels after my exams are over.
hopefully they'll spare one day for me?
hopefully.
i wanna cycle at ecp, and go to rr's hse.
and play bridge, and sing.
and play basketball. and play badminton.
(:
i dint really treasure the times spent with them last time.
shall treasure it more now.
lol you really only learn to cherish something,
when you lose it.
for my case, i dint really lose it.
but its more of. a temporary break.
lol.

yes and after exams,
there'll be choir!
im excited about the les miserables musical.
it'll be fun to see how everything comes together.
and there's the malacca trip!
hopefully i can go,
and yeah its fun to go overseas with the choir.
its my first time out w them alright. ((:
and then there's CAROLLING!
whee.
i want my dec hols spent in choir.
yay.

NO R PAPERS!
please.
lol.

ohho.
i have 15 more mins to spend. before going back to mugging.
jiayou jiayou may!

curb your desires.
dont give in.
hold strong.
stay true to yourself.

when i saw it.
i was gloating.
okay so i know i shouldnt be gloating.
but i couldnt help it okay.
everybody's mean when it comes to things like these.
i shant get upset so easily.
i shall wait.
and wait.
and wait.
until it comes,
or i move on.
yay.

i miss rayrin.
LOL.
there i said it.
he'll be super da tou when he sees this.
ah nevermind,
he's always da tou anyway.

and i miss the sistas too.
yeah.
cant wait for the next time we all go out.
LOVE THE SISTAS! (:

nvm,
the hols are coming!

ooh helmsman week sounds fun too.

what with feeling fab,

and the tree top walk.

hah.

im telling you i'll be scared.

but nevermind.

i shall overcome my fears. (:

12 days to play time.

**

those three words,
i said too much.
they're not enough.

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world.

**

exams are irritating.
and worrying.

i wanna sleep early today.
its already 12.13am.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YUXUAN.
and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SHERRY.

love the two of you (:

yeah.
im really trying so hard.
you fill my thoughts.
but there is just so much i can do.
i know that whatever i do wont be appreciated.
but one day,
it will be about me.
one day you will be the one
who will experience what i am feeling now.
just one day.
one day.
im waiting.

believe.

i read somewhere
that girls are talkative.
and that they cant blame guys for not listening.
humph.
who says.
LOL.
ok so maybe it's true to a certain extent.
but still,
its not an excuse for guys not to listen.

please,
dont let it happen.
dont. let me grow to love you.
it will just destroy me.
please.

i still do love jonathan.
woots (:

friendships are so hard to mantain.
different people have different priorities.
sometimes it really hurts.
and sometimes you've just gotta tell yourself
to lower your expectations.
sometimes you really just cant help it.
i really dont like it when my friendships deteoriates.
its always like that.
all those talks of being friends forever.
never forgetting each other.
its all just crap.
we cant even be sure that our friendship will not sour
in the near future.
sigh.
i really treasure all my friendships.
esp this one.
but sometimes,
i just cant help being who i am.
im worried.
and you dont really care.
there i go again.

**

should i stay
or should i go?

i just have to say this,

I LOVE JONATHAN.
he will always be my singapore idol.

i swear im gonna buy his album the minute it comes out.


so, tonight marks the end of my singapore idol practices and performances.
much as i am glad that all these is over and that i can finally get on with my mugging,
part of me is sad to let all this go.
it has truly been an experience of a lifetime.
it really felt great to walk around the indoor stadium and be able to chat with some of the top10 finalists and everything.
it was really cool.
and yes, seeing jonathan around really just makes the whole thing perfect.

i like paul,
and jasmine,
and nurul,
and mathilda.
and of course, JONATHAN.

yes these people mentioned above are some of the nice people.
well as for the others.. hm.

i really dont like the way mediacorp works.
its unpredictable and inflexible.
and everything.
this whole experience has just further showed me why i shouldnt even think of joining showbiz.
and yes, im never going to touch this aspect ever.

but the make up,
and the hair,
and the feeling pampered,
well that was cool.
how many people can experience having one guy doing your make up,
and three other guys doing your hair?
not many im sure.

all these memories will be kept within me always,
and i shall be proud to be able to say,
i sang with the singapore idols.

i dont like hady.
he is proud and arrogant.
and cold and aloof.
jonathan is MUCH better,
trust me.

ohwell,
its all over now.
everything's a thing of ytd alr anyway.

jonathan told us to study hard for our exams.
and i shall do precisely that (:

yay i love jonathan!

the city goes to bed
and i can live inside my head.

**

ah.
im feeling depressed.

singapore idol prac was quite interesting.
babes is nice
and funny hahaha.
and we saw johnathan!
waha.
he really has that
'i am here.' aura.
woots super cool.

sigh.
ah.
im depressed over exams.
and other things.
i cant wait for it to be over.
and yet i dread it.
im really scared.
its been quite a while since im so scared of exams.

sigh.
its worrying.
nvm i hope singapore idol will be fun.

what's most important is that i dont take r papers.
next year den work hard.
results doesnt matter that much.
may dont worry.

ah.
it hurts so much to know,
that i dont mean much.
i always knew i dint mean much.
but still.
the truth hurts.

im depressed.
i hope it doesnt last long.
results are worrying.
life is worrying.
all the opportunities that i have to take.
all those things i have to fight for.
life's not a bed of roses.
i wish it were.
i wish i could relax.
sigh.

but life's a race.
its a rat race,
that we have to keep running.
nonstop.
stopping will be our downfall.

10 days to finals.

**

you're here,
that's all i need to know.

i still believe
the time will come
when nothing keeps us apart.

**

!! ok im quite irritated.
may.
relax.
breathe.
you are not to be bothered by this.
you should already have had the mental preparation.
its none of your business.
you have no right to be irritated.
nobody owes you anything.
yes.
remember that.
ok sure, then i have the right to be jealous right.
ANYWAY.
omg i am freaking pissed with the whole singapore idol thing.
sucks!
let's see, there's prac on wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon(?). OMG.
i wanna hack mediacorp up with a hacksaw.
i am so freakingly irritated alright.
they are so bloody wasting my time.
what, im not a genius alright.
i need to study.
what the hell la.
my sat and sun will be gone like that.
go there and study,
how productive can it be?
fuck it.

yeah.
im glad i dint do anything today.
cos if i did,
and i came to see all these.
it'll surely hit me very hard.
yes may.
control.
its for your own good.
ha.
i always knew i meant nothing.

quite a fair bit of contextual knowledge needed there LOL.
lang arts!
author centred approach?
reader centred approach?
text centred approach?

if you use the author centred approach,
it is hard to find out what the author is actually thinking.
to check to see if the meaning is the same as that of the author's,
you have to go and read up on my biographies,
and conduct interviews with me to find out about my background.
and you have to assume that i am telling the truth.

reader centred approach;
Theory of indeterminacy:
there are implied readers and actual readers.
if you are not the implied reader,
misreadings are possible,
that is because there are indeterminate elements in the text
that the reader has to fill in with creative participation.
Reception theory:
readers make meaning based on their own horizon of expectations.
misreadings are not possible as there is no one correct meaning.
the meaning is also diachronic and synchronic,
therefore, meanings can change over time.
authorial intention is not taken into consideration.
Interpretive communities:
each community has a reading strategy.
these strategies are incommensurable. (?)

close reading,
by interpreting the language devices found in the text,
one is able to derive a meaning from it.
this meaning is universal and does not change.
the meaning is thus found on the text.
the intentional fallacy and the affective fallacy does not come into question.

HA.
im going crazy i tell you.
but i like langarts.

ok typing all those nonsense has made me relax a little.
im not so agitated now.
yes may, keep your cool.
hm.

im starting to really like my class.
haha.
for the third time,
ESP my group (:

11 days to finals!

**

your hand is all i've got
to keep my hanging on.

if you want to,
i can save you.

pretending he's beside me.

**

hm.
ive been mugging.
hard.
haha im proud of myself (:

sometimes, i really am that bit envious.
of you.
i mean, yeah i should consider what i have now.
and surely my position is much better.
i mean,
i can still talk and everything.
you cant even do that.
i can still go out and joke and laugh.
you cant even do that.
i gotta treasure what i have today.
yes instead of looking at what you have.
and being envious.
you have the heart, i have the body.
hm.
at least i have the presence.
you can only think. and visualise. and remember.
i can see, i can touch, i can feel. and form more memories.
yes.
thinking in this way makes me that much happier.
of course, it would be the best to have both.
and i believe.
one day,
it will belong to me.
both aspects of it.
yes i still believe.
i have the advantage here,
no doubt.
im just hoping everything changes,
and goes my way.
and providing of course, that nothing changes on my part.

ha people. dont bother trying to decipher what i just wrote.
nobody will understand.
yay.

so,
singapore idol pracs for so many days.
WTF.
im quite pissed.
they're just wasting our time.
i can be mugging you know.
this is so shit.
i hope they're paying the choir.
or at least,
give us CIP hours.
humph.

im scared for finals.
very.
sigh.
jiu ming ah.

12 days to finals!

im happier nowadays.
ive sorted out my thoughts.
and just decided to be happy with what i have.
i keep telling my friends not to take me for granted.
i guess i have to not take them for granted too.
yes i should cherish all these time i have with them.
before long, it will be over.

and anyway.
i realised that it doesnt belong to me.
since it doesnt belong to me,
i have no right to react in anyway.
i shall be passive concerning it from now on.
yeah.
no point getting worked up about it.
yes may.
relaxing is the way to go.
its not it's fault that it means this much to me.
and its not my fault that it means this much to me.
its nobody's fault.
and ive just gotta live with it.

ooh i miss someone.
shant say who skarly the person sees and gets big headed.
wahha.
now i finally understand how much this friendship means to me.
(:

**

all you wanted.

now the night is near,

and i can make believe he's here.

**

yeah. i just wasted 5hrs of my life.

how retarded is that.

went for shuwei's voice concert.

very few people were good.

BUT, at least shuwei was good :D

and that cjc sc, super zai.

omg her voice is damn nice.

yes.

and a few others were good.

but out of the 25 singers, i can say there were AT MOST 7 good ones.

and i sat through 46songs ok, 3 HOURS. bleah.

oh and we got her a BIG GREEN BANANA.

hahaha.

its the one from action city,

can hug to sleep one.

she was SO SHOCKED when oliver revealed it.

hahaha.

hm. had to go home on the mrt myself, cos most of them took bus.

bleah.

it was like, 12am when i reached bedok interchange?

SO SCARY OK.

see that's the reason why a boyfriend is needed.

yeah confiding in sherman now.

its funny how i can tell him so many things,

when ive hardly talked to him in real life.

ha.

guess 'strangers' make the best confidantes.

not saying that we're strangers,

i knew him since last year.

but since we dont see each other much,

i feel like i can tell him more.

hmm.

everything's so disappointing.

i feel like i've just wasted my effort again.

i said so much,

it just didnt work.

reading it,

i felt heartache.

do you even know?

well i guess you dont.

you never do.

there's so much i want to say,

but so little i can say.

hm maybe i should open a private blog.

that's food for thought..

i hardly mugged today.

i cant believe i spent 2half hours on ONE pathetic chapter in bio.

transport across membrane.

wth is it so difficult that i have to spend so long on it?

no right!

omg what's bloody wrong with me.

THERE'S NO MORE TIME.

15 days to finals.

how stupid i was,

to think that i was important in any way.

im just not.

im just.

worthless.

to him.

i hope it comes true.

i hope the game goes my way.

yes it will,

may, believe in yourself.

it will.

**

i dont believe in love,

youre starting to make me believe in it.

without me
his world will go on turning.

**

this is the fourth attempt at blogging -.-

hm. i wanna drive him mad.
im sure i can.
yay.

im a good actress.
did anyone tell you?
may's got a split personality.
shh.

im rather excited to watch shuwei's concert tmr.
it sounds cool.
waha.
it better be, its so ex.

yeah.
may shall work hard and MUGMUGMUG. (:

i wanna do well for finals!
my dec hols shall be spent
singing.

yes yes. (:

i want everything to change.
yes it will change.
i still believe.
wahaha.

**

last night i watch you sleeping
once more the nightmare came.

**

17 days to finals.
jiayou may!

and it hurts me more than i can bear.
knowing part of you i'll never share.

**

today was quite a good day.

haha ok so i dint fulfil my promise, of not falling asleep during langarts. but hey i still TRIED to stay awake ok. haha. yeah went to wash my face after that and felt much more energetic (: after that was SS. hm got back the test and i got like, 12/20? haha. i thought it was upon 30 at first, so when i saw my results i was like !! i failed. haha luckily i dint =/ yep. i hardly fell asleep during history(ss) too yay (:

so after that was break. sat with almost the whole class. yeah. it felt nice to be sitting as a (almost)class, it gives people a sense of belonging (: haha. yes. so after that we went up and it was maths.

so maths nowadays are getting slacker haha. cos ms hoo finished all those topics that were needed for the exams. yes. and i was listening (: yay may. haha. so she gave us like, a 5mins break. and those girls went up to her and started talking to her. haha. i just sat at my seat and stoned. lol. after that when jing jing came back she told me they were talking about her wedding. SO SAD! we wont be invited ): sigh. yeah so ms hoo is gonna be MRS KHET alr. whoo. LOL. den we were doing this maths question which says 'helping Kay Kiang'. haha. so when someone asked our dear mrs khet what her husband's full name was. another person said, khet kay kiang. HAHAHA. omg super funny. KKK. lol. khet btw, is pronouched 'kat'. haha. den cephas said, ms hoo, next time your daughter call her kit. haha. KIT KHET, 'kit kat', geddit? HAHAHAH! omg it was damn funny la! LOL. i like ms hoo (: whee. and she was laughing along with us too hahaha.

i like my group too, full of nice people yippee yay yay (: huangsui, jingjing and me like to have threesomes on the sofa (; wahahaha. yes. so after that i played bridge again. den went home. haha. there was no EA. YAY. ms toh was on mc. hahah. i was actually thinking that she might be on mc today, and she actually was. HAHA. such a coincidence. mm. we were dismissed at like, 1245. haha. so early! and i went home at 1400. yay. shall stay online till like 1645 to finish my research on the popular culture. X.X so difficult la. yeah. shall mug later. ((:

today is the jin samsun finale. OMG MUST WATCH.
(:

im not missing,
im not missing you.
i wish.

a little fall of rain
can hardly hurt me now.

the rain will make the flowers
grow.

**

i mugged. a teeny weeny bit today. but still, i'm happy. cos i managed to mug. (: yay.

may shall mug more from now onwards.
she will not procrastinate.
and she will put all her energy into mugging.
and studying for the exams.
she will do well.

i wanna improve on my singing.
dont know how to go about doing it.
went online to search for tips on singing techniques.
i realise that i know most of those stuff.
its just that, i dont apply them.
hm.

oh and i want to tone my flabby thighs.
but if i tone them and make them muscular,
i have to continue maintaining them.
if i dont,
they'll become flabby again.
and it'll be worse this time,
cos it'll be bigger due to the muscles.
oh no.
how?

i felt a bit better today.
dint expect to go out to study.
but i went a bit crazy and decided to ask people out to study.
and in the end most of them couldnt make it.
so i was left by myself.
had to go home afterall.
yeah so i felt terrible.
but after reaching home,
i stayed online for like 1half hours.
after which i went to mug.
mugging made me feel happier.
yes and while mugging i was singing my heart out,
something i havent done in a long time.
yes.
so it improved my mood quite a fair bit.
went for dinner with my daddy and my sister.
its been some time since i went for dinner with them on a weekday.
so yes it was alright again.
came home and den went to mug.
not bad :D
so at 2205 i went into my room to watch the korean show.
omg i love it.
tmr is the last episode though.
):
i dont want it to end.
the guy is so handsome.
i wanna see more of him ):
yes.
i wanted to sleep early today.
it's already 2328-.-
i should be going to sleep soon.
yep.
i dont know why i wrote this big chunk.
lol for fun i guess.
i like typing.
so i typed this nonsense.
i shall try not to fall alseep during lang arts tomorrow.

yes may, you can do it.
yes and dont fall asleep during maths.
maths is interesting.
you need to listen to understand it.

oh shit.
there's ss tmr.
i hate ss.
blah. shall try not to fall asleep tmr.

may mug hard tmr.
finish the bio cell and structure thing.
and the SS handouts 6 and 7.
and the maths coordinate geometry.
and lang arts knowledge through imagination.
yes may you shall finish all these tmr.
no slacking.

yes i can do it.
i shall come home straight after school tmr.
work hard mug hard, and in school, play hard. whee bridge! (:
im talking so much nonsense.
im going crazy i guess.

so much for sleeping before 11.

today was alright.

its the first time in eons since i went for PE. and im glad i did (: ran two rounds and played captain's ball with the girls in my class. it was fun! the girls in my class were nice too yippee yay. haha. shall try to join the class for PE more often. exercising is good, it releases endorphins and makes me H-A-P-P-Y. (:

yes. i like to be happy. and im rather tired now. haha not mentally tired, but physically tired. its been ages since i last exercised anyway, which accounts for the muscle pains now. yep. i hardly fell asleep today, except for those few moments during chem and maths.

im glad IM's over. i seriously think IM sucks. but now, every thing's over and i can concentrate on my studies! ((: yay. GO MAY GO!

played bridge today after school. it was rather fun. waha. bridge is an intellectually stimulating game. and i learnt many strategies today, whee.

can anyone tell im acting high?

**

beep beep it goes.
the screen lights up.
a flicker of hope rises.

a look across the table.
full of anticipation.

the moment of truth arises.
i stare
into the brightly lit device.

my face falls.
my heart sinks.
all is not to be.

**

huangsui says that i have this, wise troubled look. cos im always staring into the distance like im thinking about some deeply profound issues. WAHAHA.

you

i feel like puking.
its rather disgusting.
i dont know.
dont wanna think about it.

im being paranoid.
over sensitive.
whatever you call it.
maybe its called jealousy.
BLAH.
i just feel like shouting
and screaming
my heart out.

i feel like yelling
and throwing
and just tearing things apart.
i wanna tear the two of you apart.
im feeling so evil.
so mean.
so heartless.
but that's what i am.

i feel like cursing
and swearing
and giving you
a big fat slap.

everything sucks.
you suck.
the whole world sucks.

im in such an angsty state now
i dont know what's happening to me.

what's wrong with me?
i never used to be like that.

im not enjoying all these.
fuck.
im sorry im so vulgar.
but you know what,
its a way of relieving stress.
in fact, i felt like crying just now.
i shouldnt always give in to my desires.

who are you?
you dont mean anything to me.
i'm just psychoing myself.
i hate to be unsure of myself.
i hate to hate everyone else.
i hate being in a bad mood all the time.
i cant help it.
this sucks.
im falling precisely into the thing that i am against.

today. was kinda screwed up. sigh. i dont know.

somehow this group of friends is evolving into telling lies.

i think its important for a talk right now.

but i dont like confrontations,

i dont like to talk to people like that, straight to their faces.

what happened to us?

there's so much suspicion and hurt hanging in the air.

why cant the lying stop?

all this has got to stop.

hmm.
i just dont know what to think.
i dont like to get hurt.
i believed what you said, kinda.
but after seeing your blog, everything just sorta disappears.
you see, that's why im so cynical of everything.
that's why i dont believe.
i dont like to believe, and get my hopes high,
and then everything sort of crashes down again.

sigh. call it whatever you want.
i dont wanna think about it.
people just know how to say what they dont mean.

do you know that im talking about you?
or maybe someone else is misunderstanding.
ha.
i dont know and i dont wanna know.
why do i even care?

i dont want to question.
i dont want to guess.
i dont want to worry.
i dont want to think.

im wondering how long we can last,
before everything just backfires on us.
you know what im thinking.
im making it so obvious.
but i never know what youre thinking.
no wait maybe i do know,
i just dont wanna believe.
that youre not thinking about me.
hm.
this sucks you know.
everything just sucks.

im trying to be happy.
im trying to find that feeling i had last week.
why is it that things can just change so suddenly?
from being secure and self assured,
to being insecure and pessimistic.

ergh.
people, dont bother asking me.
i wont tell.

Excerpt from

On My Own- Lea Salonga (Eponine from Le Miserables)

And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

i just dont understand.
why i even bother.

why the hell do i even bother with so many things in my life?
is there any point in doing so?

why do i even bother with you? its just human nature isnt it? there is so much that i cannot change. i know what i should do and what i shouldnt, but its just that, knowing what is the right thing doesnt necessarily mean doing the right thing. i keep sticking around for you, being there for you, but have you ever really been there for me? i think i know you much more than how much you know me. i like being with you, but yet i hate it too. youre always thinking about someone else, you're never here. i just expect too much. who are you anyway? who are you to command that much effort from me? i dont want to keep this up anymore, this whole facade. im tired, tired of everything. of thinking and worrying and guessing. why am i wasting my time away like that anyway? youre nothing. on the surface you seem to care, but underneath all these, you dont, maybe you only care about yourself. and your own feelings. who am i? some mindless freak who has no heart, who doesnt know how to feel? there is so much that i want to do, and so much that i know is only one sided. you dont care at all do you? when i say that, you will just say that you do, but look deep inside your heart. do you really think you care?

im so tired of my studies. im just so worried about them everyday. what's wrong with me? i hate this. my studies are going downhill, whr is that hardworking may who seems to be able to get everything into her head? im trying to be hardworking, but its not working. and nowadays, i can hardly care. yes of course im worried, but i have no determination and self discipline to accomplish what i want to do. i am such a failure.

there's just so many depressing thoughts in my head. so much about life, that im learning about. and they arent neccessarily good things. its all getting a bit too much for me. i dont want to grow up so soon.

there are so many people around me, who tell me to believe in love. but looking around me now, i can find so many people who are hurt by love. what's the point of believing it when you know that you are going to be hurt? why do you even bother to try?
sometimes i look at my friends around me, and I just feel like laughing at how naive they are. they think that love is everything and that without it they cant live. but, have they thought about friendship? to me, it surpasses love. i dont deny that i want to love, and be loved. but friendship is much stronger than love. that is a fact. however, look at the number of people who neglect their friends after being in love. and those who go running back to their friends when their love ends.
and they actually think that their r/s can last. i mean, cmon, how old are you now? yes, it is possible to be married to your sec/jc sweetheart, but how many people do that? love? just how much do you really love your stead now? how much are you willing to give up for him/her? not much i can bet. also, nothing lasts. its the truth. even friendship doesnt last. it will come a point in time eventually, when your feelings are gone. and you start falling for other people. so ask yourself, is it safe to fall in love? how much do you want to be hurt? think about it, your partner can say that s/he loves you. yeah s/he loves you, now. how are you sure that s/he wouldnt have a change of heart? how are you so sure that s/he wouldnt fall in love with somebody else? so what's the point of going into a r/s?
so far, nobody has been able to convince me that love is as important as what people make it seem to be. i admit that a part of me wants to be in a r/s. i wont say that i dont envy couples who are in love and are at this honey sweet stage. but there's also a part of me that tells me what is gonna happen sooner or later, when everything sours and becomes bitter. i can tell you now that when people confide in me about their broken hearts, i feel truimphant and have this urge to say 'i told you so.' i just dont do that because i know how much they are hurting and i dont want to rub it in any further.
i selfconfess that my life has been devoid of love up till this point. part of me regrets it, part of me am glad for that. you may think that whatever i've said is just a case of sour grapes. maybe. i dont blame you for thinking that. but if you really think about it, you'll see that ounce of truth in my words.
i am still a romantic person, and i do want romance in my life, but i am still a rational person. i allow myself to fantasize, to dream, but i shatter all these unrealistic notions as soon as i can, just so that i wont get hurt.

oh well. just some rantings. i shall stop before people start bombarding me with arguments.

but to give some credit to the other side, the 'love supporters'; there are a few meaningful arguments that ive seen, which changed part of my stand.

about the changing of hearts, falling for somebody else, someone said,
we all know we are going to die anyway, but does that stop us from living our lives? that's true. i do agree with it.

and also about whether its worth it to go into a r/s when you know it wont last anyway,
would you rather you had happy things before, and than lose it or would you rather have your life ok the whole time? think about which one you would choose, it does make sense.

ah well why am i ranting so much? i realised i provided rebuttals to my argument HAHAHA. im too lazy to use these rebuttals to support my argument alr. im getting tired anyway. lol, before i go, i have to do this quiz cos i was tagged by feevian. as you can see there's no point doing this quiz for me, but for vivian's sake, i'll do it.

01) Single, taken or crushing?
crushing, in a sense.

02) Are you happy with your life now?
guess so? im glad for my friends. but maybe not again.

03) When you meet the right person, do you fall in love with him fast?
what do you mean by 'right'? how would you know that he's right in the first place?

04) Have you ever had your heart broken?
nope. im supposed to be heartless.

05) Do you believe there are some circumstances where cheating love is acceptable?
what do you mean? if youre cheating its not love.

06) Would you take someone back if he cheats on you?
depends on the situation, and how much i love him.

07) Have you talk about marriage with another before?
nope, i dont even think about it.

08) Do you want children?
no. but IF i get married, and my husband wants some, i dont really mind. i wouldnt care much for the child anyway, i dont like kids.

09) How many?
at the very most, two.

10) Would you consider adoption?
nope. i dont like kids, if they arent my own i would hate them more.

11) If someone likes you right now,what do you think is the best way to let you know his feelings?
just tell me. its better than to keep me in the dark.

12) Do you enjoy getting into relationship?
i dont know, never been in one before.

13) Be honest,what is the furthest you and your ex did?
i dont need to answer this question. anyway, i believe in self dignity.

14) Do you believe in love at first sight?
nope, i dont even remember people at first sight.

15) Are you romantic?
im just like every other girl, just a bit cynical.

16) Do you believe you can change someone?
i hopw i can.

17) If you could get married somewhere, where would it be?
a countryside, with lots of flowers and soft flowing landscapes. yes that's so idealistic i know.

18) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
not really, depends on how much that person means to me. and whether im in the wrong.

19) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
i have feelings for everyone. but than again, im supposed to be heartless.

21) Have you ever broken a heart?
i hope not.

22) If one day your best friend falls in love with the guy you deeply in love with, what would you do?
depends on who the guy likes.

23) Are you missing someone now?
duh.

Now you'll have to ask 5 of my friends to do this survery in their blogs. Write down their names in the list below.Tag them in their blog to let them know.
i dont tag sorry. its retarded.

im at rayrin's house now, using his laggy com. haha. its not lagging now, but i guess its gonna lag later zzz.

so yep i wanted to blog ytd, but my dumb comp just refuses to let me blog, so here i am blogging about ytd.

so i went out with my 'sister' ytd. haha. what crap, she told me not to be late and yet she was late herself. like for 15mins alright. yeah so after that we went to eat pastamania. and guess what, she spilled drinks on me! omg like wth, the drink spilled all over my skirt and my bag ok. and i had to run off to the toilet and everything. how maluating.

yep so this incident happened. i bought cabonara and she bought beef bolognese(whatever its spelled). yeah and being the greedy me, i KUPPED a bit of her bolognese, yeah. and i found that it was nicer than the cabonara, so i requested for my sister to switch pasta with me, and my nice sister of course agreed. yeah so after exchanging, i KUPPED somemore of her cabonara, and i found that her cabonara tasted nicer, eventually i dint change the cabonara back of course, but this just goes to show that you always want what you cannot get. yeah. i mean, they are the same things, but when it belongs to somebody else, it seems more appealing and everything. yeah. so sometimes we should just appreciate and cherish what we've got now. and not keep pining for the past. or the future. or whatever. yeah.

so after that we went to cs food court and studied. haha. yep. my sister went to buy some drinks and being the destructive her, she tried to pour the drink over my notes. so instinctively i pushed the cup away, and being the clumsy her, she poured some of the drink out. -.- and yeah luckily i managed to catch the water with my hands, and in the end the drink dripped onto her own notes hahaha. so retarded, so that was the second time i was sent running into the toilet zz.

yeah i hardly studied anything ytd. but it was really fun being with my sister haha. laughed and joked and talked alot. yeah its just fun hanging out la (:

so after that we went off in search of a new pouch for her mp3 haha. couldnt find one, but walked around quite a lot. went home after that.

something i found out today struck me quite hard. its amaxing how your heart can be aching for someone, and yet SOMEONE else's heart is aching for you. and yet when you know that the someone else is aching for you, you can just say, 'iits over'. yet, when peoplle that you that your current one is OVER and that you should move on, you cant do it. its amazing really, how you can be so oblivious to other people's misery. it just futher emphasizes that fact that people are selfish. sigh. im feeling sad for the 'someone else'.


so, that was ytd. today was fun. no wait, today IS fun. haha cos im still at rayrin's hse. we're supposed to be studying. and we did that at the beginning of the day. haha. but then, we decided to play bridge. haha. which was fun lurh, we kept washing the cards. yeah. haha. laughed alot. and then rayrin started spraying that water thingy on me, and now im like duper wet yuck.. this is so retarded la. they all gang up on me -.- yep so now the guys are studying while im here blogging (:

i hope my happy days last (: cos im really happy now, other than the fact that im dreading my EOYs. ok smile everyone (: yeah sometimes im really thankful for my friends (: yay.

im waiting for you.

thurs was a great day.
fri was a great day.
sat is a great day again.

thurs was teacher's day eve. haha. the teacher's day celeb was not bad. the performances were good. debbie and yvonne sang VERY well. omg it was super nice. the dance club was good. pooja and ambalica was good too:D haha. yah so basically it was not too bad.

went back to dhs. saw manymanymany people. whee. haha. took pictures, hugged people. yeah everything. haha. shunjie's still as flirty as ever. and yes i finally got to talk to winki after goodness knows how long. haha. it's cool to be able to talk to him again. haha. still the same as ever (:

after that went to have a sista lunch. omg i love the sistas! we're just this bunch of bright and cheerful people haha. I LOVE THE SISTAS YAY. it was fun la. the lunch. and we said, gracegracegracegrace again hahaha. :D the sistas rock! yes. and i just love how we can always iron out our differences. its what makes us stay strong and together. lalala. (:

went to rayrin's house with the triplets after that. it was fun la. haha. we were just slacking around. so boring! haha. but it was fun spending the day with them. yeap we sang a whole lot. sang and sang and sang. haha. the three of them arent dsa for nothing yknow! haha. yeap and we played bridge. and basically just did pretty much nothing. but it was still fun (:


went out with the triplets yesterday to cycle. haha was quite reluctant to go initially(as always), but im still glad i went. (: cycling was fun in a sense, although we all took turns being emo and sad. haha but exercising is good. and its been ages since i last cycled(: haha. huping was supposed to be there too! but i dint see him, which is SO SAD ): haha. yeah, after that we went to parkway, and basically just walked around. slacked and talked and whatnot yea. haha.

anyway, here's a minor sidetrack. so we were at parkway, and wayne saw his schoolmates, who were my age. yeah so i looked at them and found them to be rather pretty, esp the girl with the pink top. yeah so i commented to him, and he said, 'she zuo dao le.' den i was like, HUH? and yeah, so turns out that she's DONE IT before. and i was super duper shocked. as in, tramautised. its really shocking to realise that someone your age has done it before. as in, its disgusting in a sense? yeah but i really was shocked, i dint think anyone would be so stupid to do this type of thing. i mean, she's underage la cmon. omg thinking about it is just so freaking disgusting. ah. guess im still naive and innocent huh.

yeah went for the acuvue movie marathon after that. 11pm-5am. haha. it was good la. monster house was alright, rather retarded, but not too bad la. haha. the devil wears prada was UBER COOL. omg i love that movie. its so, wham bam GLAM! haha. yeah and the movie's rather meaningful too. haha. yeah and looking at those clothes that they were in the movie, its like WOAH. haha. yeah the last show was john tucker must die. its not supposed to be released until the end of september, so yeah i guess we kinda 'zuan dao'? haha. the show was interesting la. not too bad, but its kinda like, just another chick flick? haha. yeap.


so i was rather tired. haha slept for only 2+hours before going off for choir. yeap. its was a rather thrashy day, in the sense that we were waiting around for nothing.. yeah. some interesting things that we did/happened:

1) a cockroach came to visit.
haha it was super funny, its like we were singing mein kleiner. the front part, and it was at the altos' entry when someone from the sop area screamed. of course it elicited lots of other screams from the rest of the girls too. haha. everyone sorta jumped around after seeing the cockroach. haha and kenny just STOMPED on it and crushed it. haha. yuting the man stomped on it AGAIN and then she picked it up and threw it away. hahaha. it was really funny la. the whole situation. haha most of the girls screamed because someone screamed, not because of the cockroach. interesting uh.

2) we got high on helium.
haha. it started with david i think. they got hold of some balloons and then he started sucking the helium air. haha after sucking, his voice changed. which was uber cool. haha. super fun! and it got everyone bursting into laughter haha. vjchoir people are SO CRAPPY. haha. (:

3) we restarted sinsin.
yeah so shuwei thought it was yueliang, so she gave an Eb, but genrong knew it was wrong so he sang an Ab, and shuwei nodded her head. the basses however, followed shuwei's Eb and so they came in super sharp. haha. in the end genrong had no choice but to restart the song, cause the sops would just DIE at the end. haha. it was quite funny la. and yeah it was nobody's fault, just very funny. haha.

yeap so the triplets came for family3. and yeap basically they went to play uncle ringo. haha. we watched the triplets on uncle ringo, and as much as i hate to admit this, wayne was super cool. lol. rayrin and xianyong looked like they were super scared, while wayne just sat there looking so cool and composed. hahaha. rather funny, i was laughing like shit la. ok im proud of my CF (: haha.

yeap went to cine after that. ate and basically we just crapped la. haha walked around and all that. basically a sorta shopping day. haha wan ting bought her nike dungs, they're super nice haha. and yes the two of them are just SO SWEET omg. i see alr feel so tianmimi for them. haha. yeah and i got to kiss wan ting today! oliver dont jealous. heh. her skin is like, so SMOOTH and SOFT. whee.

yeap so after that they went to oliver's house while rayrin wayne and me went home. along the way we decided to go for a 'light dinner'. haha. so yeap ate goreng pisang and shared a dessert. forgot basically what we were talking about, but it was rather fun la. haha.


yeap so these few days were rather fun, and if youre smart enough, you can tell that i havent studied AT ALL. omg im disappointed in myself. i really really must MUG HARD NOW. ): i hate eoys.