disappointment hits, time and time again.
ive realised im not an important person at all. whether im here or not, it doesnt make a difference. may wake up, the world revolves without you. youre nothing to this world and to the people around you, get it? NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. so just totally wake up and stop dreaming.
anyways, life these days has been quite slack. not so much homework. yes and im trying harder to listen during lessons. actually, now, i think the only lessons i dont listen are SS and Chinese. but hey its not my fault. i have absolutely ZERO interest in chinese. and as for SS, well its boring. but anyways sometimes i think what mr yang says is quite interesting. and actually i do catch snippets of what he says. that's already an improvement yah. :D hopefully by the end of this term i'll be able to concentrate fully :DD
recently, i've been having moodswings. i dont know why. hmm maybe its cos i realised that im not as close to the people in choir as i thought i was. hmm yah i dont know. its just quite depressing, somehow. and those people whom i look forward to seeing.. i dont know, upon seeing them, i realised i've got nothing to say to them. sigh. nvm nobody will understand this. so yep. i dont know la. and i realised, im not really anybody in choir. my opinion doesnt matter, im just a freaking NOBODY. its like, it doesnt matter whether im there or not. sure people say hi and stuff to me and all, but they're all superficial talk. sigh i dont know. maybe im the one who expects too much. ah.
today's choir was both sianning and fun. the choreo for sit down is freaking nice! : D i love it. and i love my position, heh. yuting on one side, yizha on the other. heh and wanting in front! think i have jeremy yeo and marcus behind me too:D heh all the nice people. SOMEMORE, im right SMACK in the middle. heh ok maybe its not me who's in the middle, wanting maybe. but hey at least im in the middle area. heh. :DD it was really fun, the sit down choreo. we were being lame and spastic and trying to think of super spastic ways to do the YEAH part. haha.
during choir break, johnnie suddenly carried me, for dunno wadever reason. lol i was rather shocked. =/ lol. and then, yuting and johnnie decided to carry me by making me sit on their arms. and they almost wanted to dunk me into the fountain. like wth. lol. but actually it WAS rather fun :D
yep after that was choir room opening. haha just basically some people cutting the ribbon and stuff. anyway, the choir room's really different now. dont know how to put it, but the amount of space is really very little now. lol, but in a way its more cosy now. :D thanks crc! that was really thoughtful and nice of yall :DD
open house today was.. alright. basically i slacked rather a lot. and dint really usher a lot of people, cos half the time i was with the choir, singing and all that. yep anyway our hear my prayer today was FANTASTIC. ah it was probably the only song that we sang with emotion and all that. yay i could feel all my hair standing up la. :DD mass dance today was terrible. like it was all messed up and stuff. aiya dont know la.
anyway, today at my grandma hse, they celebrated four people's birthday. yep so it was one birthday cake for four of us. due to a moodswing that happened during the end of choir, i was in a bad mood throughout the whole visit to my grandma's hse. yep and i dint smile like a single time? and when they were taking photos, i dint even smile la. sigh i feel rather bad. aiya nvm. sometimes i think im so unreasonable. they dint do anything to deserve this type of attitude problem from me. sigh. ok nvm shall try to put myself in a good mood, but then again, i'll be making myself feel terrible, cos im faking. ah. how complicated.
im tired of masking my feelings. im tired of trying to hide and act all happy and nice in class. ah. i hate my life.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
CHOIR GOT THE FREAKING GRAND PRIZE.
lol. alright that was abit outdated. but hey i just HAD to put it on my blog alright.
helmsman this week. freaking slack. the choir's finally back! :D heh. after a whole week and half of waiting? yeh. i seriously LOVE vjchoir. heh. yep anyway i have to declare, CHOIR ROOM ROCKS :D its almost like my third home? heh. yeh alright i only visited my class like 2 times since tuesday? yah. haha ok that was freaking random. ok i like to use the word freaking recently. i dont know why too.
class sucks. yeh that's the truth. ah im giving up. yes nvm. people dont bother. so wth then. i dont freaking care. i tried. dint work so yeh.
anyways, i wanna thank, NEHNEH and DADA. thank you all for being there for me when i need yall. at least i have the two of you. thank you so very much. i love you. i love you. :D
anyways, broke down ytd. during the zoo trip. ah freaking malu. thinking of it now, was it worth it crying over them. maybe i was crying over myself. ah nvm. weird la. sometimes i dont really know myself. ah nvm den.
i kinda know what happened. nvm. i dont freaking understand. but yah. nvm.
ah life sucks. everything freaking sucks. maybe including myself.
*
VJCHOIR SYMPHONY OF VOICES 2006
16th may.
7.30pm
esplanade.
tickets from sistic. $21, $32, $42 [inclusive of sistic charges]
please buy tickets from me :D vj students can go buy from the choir booth in the canteen. yep:D
Saturday, April 08, 2006
sigh
its time for me to blog. yep. the choir left ytd. sigh it was quite saddening. being the onlookers, feeling that buzz of excitement in the air, and yet not being able to experience that feeling of anticipation for myself. sigh. but ohwell, at least im not the ONLY one left in singapore. there are still yizha, karen and francesca. yep we bought an italy diary for them:D hope they update it regularly.
no choir for the whole of next week. my life will feel so empty. hmm but i should take it as a relaxing time for me. a time to recuperate and try to rest more. ive been feeling rather exhausted and depressed nowadays. yep its time for me to rest. after they come back from italy, it'll be SOV time! :D yep and im awaiting the good news from them. CREDIAMO!
i dont know what to do seriously. im really starting to give up. im starting to think there maybe are no solutions to the problems. was i wrong to do what i did? but seriously, i dont like to fake. and i think it'll be unfair to her if i act. was i wrong to just be myself? to be true to what i feel? sigh. maybe i was wrong. maybe i should have just been a faker. and just freaking make myself be all sweet and nice. im nice, but im not a sweet gurl. everyone knows that. you wont expect me to put on a nice smiley face when im pissed. maybe i really was in the wrong. but im not entirely in the wrong. that i am sure of. but somehow, i dont know how to get it across. ive tried so hard, really so so hard. no one seems to appreciate my efforts. they think im being difficult. but am i really? do they really hate me so much. i want to talk, i want to tell them what i feel, thrash things out with them. but is that really possible? all they know to do is to gossip behind my back, and when i want to talk, they say they dont want to talk about it. they think that what im doing is unneccassary. but seriously, they dont understand why i am doing what i did. sigh. im already trying to forget about the whole thing. she wins. i give up, im letting her win. im just trying to forget about it and try to stand her. but really, you all probably think im unreasonable. like im the big bad bully. but have you all ever saw this whole thing from MY point of view? you all side her. i know. im really sad that my friendship with you guys have been affected. just because of her. i tried, very hard, to make it a thing between just the two of us. apparently, it dint work. sigh. i really dont know what to do.
you say you want to solve this, but you arent willing to talk. im so tempted to call you, to just talk to you and comfirm our friendship. why are you treating me like this? ignoring me and not even bothering to respond. you say you dont hate me, but i can feel it from you. why? what happened to the old days. when we could have a nice heart to heart talk. what happened to the 'next time, i'll explain things to you and you'll explain things to me'? what happened to 'our friendship will never change'? what happened to our friendship. now, we're barely more than strangers. the only thing we exchange is probably a hi and bye. what is this? the shoelaces.. are they even of any meaning now? please, dont shut me out the next time i try to talk to you. i regret, i really regret not cherishing our friendship last time. im sorry for all the times ive been wilful. im sorry for being so difficult when you tried, so are you trying to spite me by being difficult when im the person trying now? sigh. i know you wont read this, but really, you dont know what im feeling. sigh. in the span of 2 months, i have lost two of my initial close friends, two friends whom i thought i could depend on. two whom proved me wrong. maybe i dint know you all well. maybe we're just not meant to be good friends. but really, can we at least try? just one more time? if it doesnt work again. im really giving up.
im thinking, what's the point of living on this world? we all just die one day right. does it matter whether or not we die young or early? of course, many will just say, den go die now la! my answer will be, im afraid. im afraid of death. there are still many things i want to experience in life, getting a job, using my own money, having a family, getting a house. all those finer things in life.. sigh. i dont know. somehow, life seems to be meaningless to me now. sigh. maybe im just being angsty? but every morning, i wake up with a sinking feeling. a deep feeling of sadness in the heart. as in seriously, im not exaggerating. im kinda sick of life now. like what i was talking to althea the other day, what will happen if i just DIE? like jump off the building and DIE? sigh. i wont do that of course. i wont dare to. but im scared one day something in me might just snap. and in that moment of craziness, i might just go jump off. but seriously, i wouldnt want to do that. just like the case of the vj yeartwo student. look at the trauma it caused his family and friends? even i, who didnt even know him, felt very affected. i was sad about him the whole day. i wouldnt want to put my friends through this kind of torture. sigh. i dont know. im think im turning crazy. why am i talking about death on my blog? im not that type of person.. but then again, do i really know who i am?
no choir for the whole of next week. my life will feel so empty. hmm but i should take it as a relaxing time for me. a time to recuperate and try to rest more. ive been feeling rather exhausted and depressed nowadays. yep its time for me to rest. after they come back from italy, it'll be SOV time! :D yep and im awaiting the good news from them. CREDIAMO!
i dont know what to do seriously. im really starting to give up. im starting to think there maybe are no solutions to the problems. was i wrong to do what i did? but seriously, i dont like to fake. and i think it'll be unfair to her if i act. was i wrong to just be myself? to be true to what i feel? sigh. maybe i was wrong. maybe i should have just been a faker. and just freaking make myself be all sweet and nice. im nice, but im not a sweet gurl. everyone knows that. you wont expect me to put on a nice smiley face when im pissed. maybe i really was in the wrong. but im not entirely in the wrong. that i am sure of. but somehow, i dont know how to get it across. ive tried so hard, really so so hard. no one seems to appreciate my efforts. they think im being difficult. but am i really? do they really hate me so much. i want to talk, i want to tell them what i feel, thrash things out with them. but is that really possible? all they know to do is to gossip behind my back, and when i want to talk, they say they dont want to talk about it. they think that what im doing is unneccassary. but seriously, they dont understand why i am doing what i did. sigh. im already trying to forget about the whole thing. she wins. i give up, im letting her win. im just trying to forget about it and try to stand her. but really, you all probably think im unreasonable. like im the big bad bully. but have you all ever saw this whole thing from MY point of view? you all side her. i know. im really sad that my friendship with you guys have been affected. just because of her. i tried, very hard, to make it a thing between just the two of us. apparently, it dint work. sigh. i really dont know what to do.
you say you want to solve this, but you arent willing to talk. im so tempted to call you, to just talk to you and comfirm our friendship. why are you treating me like this? ignoring me and not even bothering to respond. you say you dont hate me, but i can feel it from you. why? what happened to the old days. when we could have a nice heart to heart talk. what happened to the 'next time, i'll explain things to you and you'll explain things to me'? what happened to 'our friendship will never change'? what happened to our friendship. now, we're barely more than strangers. the only thing we exchange is probably a hi and bye. what is this? the shoelaces.. are they even of any meaning now? please, dont shut me out the next time i try to talk to you. i regret, i really regret not cherishing our friendship last time. im sorry for all the times ive been wilful. im sorry for being so difficult when you tried, so are you trying to spite me by being difficult when im the person trying now? sigh. i know you wont read this, but really, you dont know what im feeling. sigh. in the span of 2 months, i have lost two of my initial close friends, two friends whom i thought i could depend on. two whom proved me wrong. maybe i dint know you all well. maybe we're just not meant to be good friends. but really, can we at least try? just one more time? if it doesnt work again. im really giving up.
im thinking, what's the point of living on this world? we all just die one day right. does it matter whether or not we die young or early? of course, many will just say, den go die now la! my answer will be, im afraid. im afraid of death. there are still many things i want to experience in life, getting a job, using my own money, having a family, getting a house. all those finer things in life.. sigh. i dont know. somehow, life seems to be meaningless to me now. sigh. maybe im just being angsty? but every morning, i wake up with a sinking feeling. a deep feeling of sadness in the heart. as in seriously, im not exaggerating. im kinda sick of life now. like what i was talking to althea the other day, what will happen if i just DIE? like jump off the building and DIE? sigh. i wont do that of course. i wont dare to. but im scared one day something in me might just snap. and in that moment of craziness, i might just go jump off. but seriously, i wouldnt want to do that. just like the case of the vj yeartwo student. look at the trauma it caused his family and friends? even i, who didnt even know him, felt very affected. i was sad about him the whole day. i wouldnt want to put my friends through this kind of torture. sigh. i dont know. im think im turning crazy. why am i talking about death on my blog? im not that type of person.. but then again, do i really know who i am?
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