i just dont understand.
why i even bother.

why the hell do i even bother with so many things in my life?
is there any point in doing so?

why do i even bother with you? its just human nature isnt it? there is so much that i cannot change. i know what i should do and what i shouldnt, but its just that, knowing what is the right thing doesnt necessarily mean doing the right thing. i keep sticking around for you, being there for you, but have you ever really been there for me? i think i know you much more than how much you know me. i like being with you, but yet i hate it too. youre always thinking about someone else, you're never here. i just expect too much. who are you anyway? who are you to command that much effort from me? i dont want to keep this up anymore, this whole facade. im tired, tired of everything. of thinking and worrying and guessing. why am i wasting my time away like that anyway? youre nothing. on the surface you seem to care, but underneath all these, you dont, maybe you only care about yourself. and your own feelings. who am i? some mindless freak who has no heart, who doesnt know how to feel? there is so much that i want to do, and so much that i know is only one sided. you dont care at all do you? when i say that, you will just say that you do, but look deep inside your heart. do you really think you care?

im so tired of my studies. im just so worried about them everyday. what's wrong with me? i hate this. my studies are going downhill, whr is that hardworking may who seems to be able to get everything into her head? im trying to be hardworking, but its not working. and nowadays, i can hardly care. yes of course im worried, but i have no determination and self discipline to accomplish what i want to do. i am such a failure.

there's just so many depressing thoughts in my head. so much about life, that im learning about. and they arent neccessarily good things. its all getting a bit too much for me. i dont want to grow up so soon.

there are so many people around me, who tell me to believe in love. but looking around me now, i can find so many people who are hurt by love. what's the point of believing it when you know that you are going to be hurt? why do you even bother to try?
sometimes i look at my friends around me, and I just feel like laughing at how naive they are. they think that love is everything and that without it they cant live. but, have they thought about friendship? to me, it surpasses love. i dont deny that i want to love, and be loved. but friendship is much stronger than love. that is a fact. however, look at the number of people who neglect their friends after being in love. and those who go running back to their friends when their love ends.
and they actually think that their r/s can last. i mean, cmon, how old are you now? yes, it is possible to be married to your sec/jc sweetheart, but how many people do that? love? just how much do you really love your stead now? how much are you willing to give up for him/her? not much i can bet. also, nothing lasts. its the truth. even friendship doesnt last. it will come a point in time eventually, when your feelings are gone. and you start falling for other people. so ask yourself, is it safe to fall in love? how much do you want to be hurt? think about it, your partner can say that s/he loves you. yeah s/he loves you, now. how are you sure that s/he wouldnt have a change of heart? how are you so sure that s/he wouldnt fall in love with somebody else? so what's the point of going into a r/s?
so far, nobody has been able to convince me that love is as important as what people make it seem to be. i admit that a part of me wants to be in a r/s. i wont say that i dont envy couples who are in love and are at this honey sweet stage. but there's also a part of me that tells me what is gonna happen sooner or later, when everything sours and becomes bitter. i can tell you now that when people confide in me about their broken hearts, i feel truimphant and have this urge to say 'i told you so.' i just dont do that because i know how much they are hurting and i dont want to rub it in any further.
i selfconfess that my life has been devoid of love up till this point. part of me regrets it, part of me am glad for that. you may think that whatever i've said is just a case of sour grapes. maybe. i dont blame you for thinking that. but if you really think about it, you'll see that ounce of truth in my words.
i am still a romantic person, and i do want romance in my life, but i am still a rational person. i allow myself to fantasize, to dream, but i shatter all these unrealistic notions as soon as i can, just so that i wont get hurt.

oh well. just some rantings. i shall stop before people start bombarding me with arguments.

but to give some credit to the other side, the 'love supporters'; there are a few meaningful arguments that ive seen, which changed part of my stand.

about the changing of hearts, falling for somebody else, someone said,
we all know we are going to die anyway, but does that stop us from living our lives? that's true. i do agree with it.

and also about whether its worth it to go into a r/s when you know it wont last anyway,
would you rather you had happy things before, and than lose it or would you rather have your life ok the whole time? think about which one you would choose, it does make sense.

ah well why am i ranting so much? i realised i provided rebuttals to my argument HAHAHA. im too lazy to use these rebuttals to support my argument alr. im getting tired anyway. lol, before i go, i have to do this quiz cos i was tagged by feevian. as you can see there's no point doing this quiz for me, but for vivian's sake, i'll do it.

01) Single, taken or crushing?
crushing, in a sense.

02) Are you happy with your life now?
guess so? im glad for my friends. but maybe not again.

03) When you meet the right person, do you fall in love with him fast?
what do you mean by 'right'? how would you know that he's right in the first place?

04) Have you ever had your heart broken?
nope. im supposed to be heartless.

05) Do you believe there are some circumstances where cheating love is acceptable?
what do you mean? if youre cheating its not love.

06) Would you take someone back if he cheats on you?
depends on the situation, and how much i love him.

07) Have you talk about marriage with another before?
nope, i dont even think about it.

08) Do you want children?
no. but IF i get married, and my husband wants some, i dont really mind. i wouldnt care much for the child anyway, i dont like kids.

09) How many?
at the very most, two.

10) Would you consider adoption?
nope. i dont like kids, if they arent my own i would hate them more.

11) If someone likes you right now,what do you think is the best way to let you know his feelings?
just tell me. its better than to keep me in the dark.

12) Do you enjoy getting into relationship?
i dont know, never been in one before.

13) Be honest,what is the furthest you and your ex did?
i dont need to answer this question. anyway, i believe in self dignity.

14) Do you believe in love at first sight?
nope, i dont even remember people at first sight.

15) Are you romantic?
im just like every other girl, just a bit cynical.

16) Do you believe you can change someone?
i hopw i can.

17) If you could get married somewhere, where would it be?
a countryside, with lots of flowers and soft flowing landscapes. yes that's so idealistic i know.

18) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
not really, depends on how much that person means to me. and whether im in the wrong.

19) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
i have feelings for everyone. but than again, im supposed to be heartless.

21) Have you ever broken a heart?
i hope not.

22) If one day your best friend falls in love with the guy you deeply in love with, what would you do?
depends on who the guy likes.

23) Are you missing someone now?
duh.

Now you'll have to ask 5 of my friends to do this survery in their blogs. Write down their names in the list below.Tag them in their blog to let them know.
i dont tag sorry. its retarded.