reflective day

went to school in the morn. did my webfolio thingy, den went to meet the others in mp library to study. i realise i need to study with them to concentrate. all these times i've been at home, i havent studied at all. OH NO.

so. studied, but was quite distracted. cos i discovered magazines. seventeen, herworld, teens. haha so kept reading them. i realised that i need music to focus. the few times i focused when studying was when i had my mp3 with me. yep

yep i was starving when i got there to study, and managed to last till 1.05pm. haha then i couldnt stand it anymore. so i told them that if none of them wanted to eat, i would go and eat alone. in the end yizha went with me to eat. lol. walked all the way to PP. lol we were talking about lots of things, mainly gossiping. haha what else can you do with UNCLE YIZHA? yah went to eat. i bought my food first, and he went to buy his. i think i was mother nice. i actually sat there and wait for him to come back, with the piping hot food under my nose and my stomach rumbling. I AM SO FRIGGING NICE. yah so we continued gossiping. oh ya, bought a chicken pie for dawnie (: [who btw, has a double chin! hahaha.] yah and yizha treated me to a drink! (: not very expensive luh, it was a nice gesture(: oh man i feel so bad. havent treated him yet-.- yah den we walked back. and along the way we saw a large group of YIZHA'S friends. hahahah! this group of LAO UNCLE coming out of the taxi. haha he so bad la! never even go and talk to his friends. heh.

yah so we went back and continued studying. and i continued reading seventeen and the newpaper. lol. reading all the football reviews. haha. so in the end dint study much. yep.

**

something daniel thong said to me today really struck me,

'you like to create barriers, imaginary barriers.'

its true. its really true. maybe its not so bad in choir, because i started out by being very bubbly and cheerful and childish. but in class, its SO true. a little setback gets me back. i dont greet anybody and act like i know nobody in the class. sometimes i look back and think, what's wrong with me? why is it that when i see people i supposedly know, i dont even bother to say hi. instead i treat the ip1 cohort with contempt and disgust. i know i shouldnt be doing all this. and ive been telling myself that i have to open up and attempt to make friends. but whenever im discouraged by anything negative that's happened, i give up and it'll be quite a long time until i try again. and i keep saying that ive tried, but in fact, i haven't really tried.

but talking is easier than doing. i keep telling myself all these, and resolve to try to get to know them better. but i always end up being pissed and not bothering to do all that. if not, i'll chicken out at the last minute and convince myself that i dont have to talk to them, that there is no need to go to all the trouble, that even if i did anything nobody would bother.

ohmygod. i really need help.

can anyone tell me what to do?