the pains of growing up

i used to think that i was special.

i thought that i would never get acne. i thought i would never have cellulite. i thought that i'll always have a flat tummy. i thought that i'll always have pretty legs. i thought that i was exceptional. i thought that i was friendly. i thought that i was outgoing. i thought that i was strong. i thought that misfortunes would never befall me. i thought that i would be happy. i thought that i was a good leader. i thought that i was influential. i thought that i was pretty. i thought that i was a good singer. i thought that i was well known. i thought that i would excel in everything i do.

well, i thought wrong.

when i was young, i thought i was many things, many great things. but as i grow older, i realise that that is not the case. now i realise why adults are so cynical, im becoming one myself. as i grow older, i realise that there are many things that i thought that were not the case. im not a special person, im just an ordinary nobody. i've got acne, i've got cellulite, i've got a flabby tummy, i have ugly legs, i'm not exceptional, im quite unfriendly, im not very outgoing, im not happy, im not as good a leader as others, im not influential, im not pretty, im not that good a singer, im not well known, i dont excel in everything i do.

in a way, its good, in a way, its bad. im no longer that young and innocent girl that i was. im no longer easily satisfied and happy. however, i've opened my eyes. and i realise that i was an arrogant self-centred ugly being, who thought so highly of herself. although i cannot say that i am very modest, selfless and pretty person now. i can say that at least i've changed for the better. i've become less stubborn and more reflective. and i've stopped thinking highly of myself. in a way, my confidence level has dropped, as i see people who are more outgoing than me, who are more vocal than me, who are basically better in everything else than i am.

simply put, i am a failure.

however, ive learnt too, to treasure many things. i aspire for great achievements, but at the same time, i am aware that sometimes, i have to stop and enjoy the small things in life. i've learnt to treasure my friends, i've learnt to give in. ive learnt many many things. i've seen the ugly side of life, and yet i've seen too, the pretty side of life. i've figured out what matters most to me right now, and i've figured out what you will call 'superficial friendships'. i've learnt that some people are worth it, worth the amount of time and effort you put into them, and at the same time, some people are just not worth it.

most importantly, i've learnt to keep my opinions to myself, that is, to fake. that is the most essential thing to learn to survive and succeed in life. i remember that my dad telling me to keep my opinions to myself at the beginning of the year, to hold my tongue- if i dont like a person, i dont have to show it. i disagreed with him and stubbornly insisted that that was not the way i was going to live my life. i insisted that i will be true to myself. but now, i give in. he was right.

vip has really opened my eyes. its shown me a lot of things that cannot be seen in dunman high. or maybe, its just because i did not experience in dunman high what i have experienced here. but yes, i have to agree, vip teaches more than just the academic material. its teaches us what we need to survive in society.


sometimes, i really wish that life was perfect.