sigh

its time for me to blog. yep. the choir left ytd. sigh it was quite saddening. being the onlookers, feeling that buzz of excitement in the air, and yet not being able to experience that feeling of anticipation for myself. sigh. but ohwell, at least im not the ONLY one left in singapore. there are still yizha, karen and francesca. yep we bought an italy diary for them:D hope they update it regularly.

no choir for the whole of next week. my life will feel so empty. hmm but i should take it as a relaxing time for me. a time to recuperate and try to rest more. ive been feeling rather exhausted and depressed nowadays. yep its time for me to rest. after they come back from italy, it'll be SOV time! :D yep and im awaiting the good news from them. CREDIAMO!


i dont know what to do seriously. im really starting to give up. im starting to think there maybe are no solutions to the problems. was i wrong to do what i did? but seriously, i dont like to fake. and i think it'll be unfair to her if i act. was i wrong to just be myself? to be true to what i feel? sigh. maybe i was wrong. maybe i should have just been a faker. and just freaking make myself be all sweet and nice. im nice, but im not a sweet gurl. everyone knows that. you wont expect me to put on a nice smiley face when im pissed. maybe i really was in the wrong. but im not entirely in the wrong. that i am sure of. but somehow, i dont know how to get it across. ive tried so hard, really so so hard. no one seems to appreciate my efforts. they think im being difficult. but am i really? do they really hate me so much. i want to talk, i want to tell them what i feel, thrash things out with them. but is that really possible? all they know to do is to gossip behind my back, and when i want to talk, they say they dont want to talk about it. they think that what im doing is unneccassary. but seriously, they dont understand why i am doing what i did. sigh. im already trying to forget about the whole thing. she wins. i give up, im letting her win. im just trying to forget about it and try to stand her. but really, you all probably think im unreasonable. like im the big bad bully. but have you all ever saw this whole thing from MY point of view? you all side her. i know. im really sad that my friendship with you guys have been affected. just because of her. i tried, very hard, to make it a thing between just the two of us. apparently, it dint work. sigh. i really dont know what to do.

you say you want to solve this, but you arent willing to talk. im so tempted to call you, to just talk to you and comfirm our friendship. why are you treating me like this? ignoring me and not even bothering to respond. you say you dont hate me, but i can feel it from you. why? what happened to the old days. when we could have a nice heart to heart talk. what happened to the 'next time, i'll explain things to you and you'll explain things to me'? what happened to 'our friendship will never change'? what happened to our friendship. now, we're barely more than strangers. the only thing we exchange is probably a hi and bye. what is this? the shoelaces.. are they even of any meaning now? please, dont shut me out the next time i try to talk to you. i regret, i really regret not cherishing our friendship last time. im sorry for all the times ive been wilful. im sorry for being so difficult when you tried, so are you trying to spite me by being difficult when im the person trying now? sigh. i know you wont read this, but really, you dont know what im feeling. sigh. in the span of 2 months, i have lost two of my initial close friends, two friends whom i thought i could depend on. two whom proved me wrong. maybe i dint know you all well. maybe we're just not meant to be good friends. but really, can we at least try? just one more time? if it doesnt work again. im really giving up.


im thinking, what's the point of living on this world? we all just die one day right. does it matter whether or not we die young or early? of course, many will just say, den go die now la! my answer will be, im afraid. im afraid of death. there are still many things i want to experience in life, getting a job, using my own money, having a family, getting a house. all those finer things in life.. sigh. i dont know. somehow, life seems to be meaningless to me now. sigh. maybe im just being angsty? but every morning, i wake up with a sinking feeling. a deep feeling of sadness in the heart. as in seriously, im not exaggerating. im kinda sick of life now. like what i was talking to althea the other day, what will happen if i just DIE? like jump off the building and DIE? sigh. i wont do that of course. i wont dare to. but im scared one day something in me might just snap. and in that moment of craziness, i might just go jump off. but seriously, i wouldnt want to do that. just like the case of the vj yeartwo student. look at the trauma it caused his family and friends? even i, who didnt even know him, felt very affected. i was sad about him the whole day. i wouldnt want to put my friends through this kind of torture. sigh. i dont know. im think im turning crazy. why am i talking about death on my blog? im not that type of person.. but then again, do i really know who i am?