sometimes i wish things were different, that circumstances are not what it's like today.

if i had done things differently in the past, would things have been different? would it have progressed to be how i want it to be? it sucks that i've to sit here and watch, knowing that what i want is so distant and untouchable.

there's little time left now. what's going to happen next year? will everything just fade off? much as i try to drive everything out of my mind, there's this small part of me that doesnt want things to go away. its stupid i know, but that dumb part is hoping for something to happen, that what i want will come true.

i dont even know what in the world is happening right now. its just on and off. i hate having to play mind games, but im doing that everyday.

its exciting i agree, but tiring too. i dont want this to end, but i dont want it to continue too. ah im stupidly contradicting myself. its been going on for a whole year. when will it finally stop? will i have to be the one to put a stop to it, or will you be kind enough to stop everything?

ah i dont know.