(:
smile.

there are so many things that are worth my holding on.
and so many things that are not.

sometimes, in a moment of rashness, i get carried away and try my best to hold on to what i once possessed. something that was so sweet and made me feel so lucky. well, i guess the feeling's gone and that it can never happen again, but the memories will stay there.

sometimes, i get really crazy and think that everything can be saved, and maybe a miracle will happen to make everything fine again. that what used to be mine would come back to me. well, then, i slap myself awake and tell me that no matter what i do, it wont work.

im forced to tell myself that it was all my fault and that i made everything worse. haha, but thinking about it, its not totally my fault. and perhaps one sided things arent very good. what's the point of trying so hard to hold on when the other person doesnt even care?

sometimes, i remember how it used to be like. the happiness, the funny times, the jokes, and i ask myself, what actually happened? all the bad things that had happened pass me by in a blur. i dont think about it, in fact, i dont even remember it. what i remember, are the happy and sweet moments that all of us shared together. simple things such as cycling, studying. the sweet things that made me happy and all that. its these memories that stay in my heart.

and perhaps that's a good thing? perhaps its good that i dont really hold on to grudges. most of the time, i remember the good things that happened, which makes it doubly hard for me to let go. im not saying im not happy now. i am very in fact. its just that underneath all the happiness, there's this part of me that tells me that if those problems were solved, my life would be perfect.

then i realise, when i was with them, i wasnt satisfied. i was always looking for something else. something else to satisfy me. i was happy, close to being totally satisfied with my life, but it wasnt perfect. i guess i'll never be satisfied. and that i tend to paint beautiful dreams. most of the time, i picture a person that i like very much as being close to perfection. but when i actually see that person, and understand that person, he or she is not who i imagined him or her to be. and it makes me disappointed. but then again, even though i am disappointed, and hurt, i still do love that person very much.

perhaps its time for me to stop loving. it is difficult, but time will heal everything. perhaps time will wash away the awkwardness and the wounds. well, for me, it has already been washed away. i dont think about them anymore. i just remember how nice that person used to be. and most of the time, i have to force myself to remember that that's not the case anymore. i guess i've always been too idealistic.

well its true when they say you only learn to treasure something when you've lost it.
sadly, most of the time, you never get it back. sometimes i wish i was given a second chance. but i know it will never happen.

well, its rather saddening. but i guess i'll just have to learn to get on with my life. to move on and to let go. that's just life. people come and go, friends dont stay forever. and i should learn not to hold on too much.

yes and i guess im learning. most of the time, i have this internal struggle. and that is whether i should persist, to continue trying. well, nowadays, the side that tells me to stop trying wins. i guess that's good, cos it means im learning to move on. but really, its not easy.

sometimes i wished there's this section in our brain that allows us to shut off the hurt and the pain. to stop thinking about the past, to control our feelings.
but that's just wishful thinking.

the bottom line is, i think too highly of people sometimes. and im stubborn. so i hang on to things like a bulldog and never let go. but then, sometimes, some situations force me to let go. and i have to try hard.

well, its really really painful.
but i believe,
that at the end of the day,
i'll win.
afterall, im already halfway there.
(: